Love Those Who Love Thee

and to hell with those who dont!


This is a post specially dedicated to a sister I really love, Syazliana Hazyan. 


Beautiful name, Beautiful-er person, Beautiful-est personality. 




Dear Sister, (and all the others reading this one)

when somebody doesn't reply your text,
when somebody doesn't answer your call,
when somebody shuts you off in Facebook,
when somebody goes offline the moment he/she sees that you are online,
when somebody removes you from their friend list,
when somebody blocks you in Facebook,
when somebody gives all sort of reasons when they fail to answer your calls
when somebody keeps saying no when you ask them out,


when somebody doesn't love you


and 


when that somebody is someone you thought a friend
when that somebody is someone you used to laugh and sing and dance and smile with
when that somebody is someone you miss all night when something goes wrong
when that somebody is someone who was a classmate of yours for a year
when that somebody is someone you trust, someone you tell all your smile and tears
when that somebody is someone you always stare at during Maths lecturer
when that somebody is someone you have a crush on
when that somebody is someone who gives you a teeny booper kind of feeling, makes your heart beats wildly upon seeing his/her face, hearing her/his voice, or even reading his/her name in Facebook


when that somebody is someone you're madly, hopelessly, in love with.


JUST FRIGGIN FORGET THAT SOMEBODY!


and love those who love thee. like me.


to someone else:
dear sayang, i appreciate you loving me. i know. i'm not blind, i've seen it all. i know you love me. i love you too. a lot. as a good friend. a real good friend.


my heart has been stolen and sadly the thief smashed it into pieces. lets wait till i got it back. and we'll send it to the nearest clinic, hospital, or hardware store or whatever necessary to heal it back, mend it back, okay?


to you:
thank you for making me this way. you're that somebody.

No way No way!

hey peeps. its been a long time, no? been a little busy. had tons of weddings and kenduri--feasts to attend. generally i dont love feast or anything crowded, but since i was dead bored of staying home so i decided to dress up, get pretty and tagged along with Ummi.


there was this one when i met a makcik who lives near us. she asked me questions, like,
"How many years of college to go?"


"4 years, makcik." i answered, not really interested in that kind of conversation, sth that reminds me of studying in a God-forbidden college which i seriously dread.


then we talked about me going to be a teacher and whatnot and suddenly she said,


"i have a son. one more son. he's unmarried. a soldier, now working in Sarawak. he's 23."


my Ummi and I was like, we gave the "Okay..." expression. A soldier. I love that. and Sarawak. Yummy!


But like there's no way I'm marrying someone who lives so near my house. Like, ewww. I'd have someone out of Ipoh, if not Perak. So lets drop it, okay?


besides, didnt I tell you I want to marry a French? i'm in McD now and saw a nenek with a Caucasion atok. And he like, wore kepiah and all you now. The couple looked so traditional. Not at all westernised. Like, so alim. I imagine myself like that when I grow old hahaha


Au revoir! 

I Wish Life Is A Fairy Tale

there's this something I watched on telly. couldn't remember the title tho. but here's some snippet.


once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who lived in a small, simple yet island. the girl had no plan in life but to live happily ever after with someone who could love her as much as she loves him. just that. all that she asked for.


and then one day as the girl was hanging out with her friend came a nice young chap whom, with him good looking smile, wanted to be friend with her.


"why not," said the girl.


so they became friends. and became close. and she fell in love with him.


what the girl didnt know is that she didnt fell for any sweet young chap, she fell for a handsome young prince charming that rules the kingdom. or something like that.


she loved him all her heart. and she wanted him to know that. she wanted to tell him that.  


and one day, the guy vanished. disappeared. left.


it broke the girl's heart. into millions of pieces.


but she was true to her love, and waited loyally for him. for the man she loves.

 But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya

Throw my hand on a blade for ya

I’d jump in front of a train for ya

You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain,

Yes, I would die for ya baby

But you won't do the same.

No, you won’t do the same

one day the girl, almost losing hope already, found her handsome young chap. she also found out that he was a prince.


and not surprisingly, he loves her too.


and if this were a fairy tale the prince would marry the girl, even though she aint royal, the way the King and Queen wanted it. you know, like Shrek or something.


but it wasnt. this is reality. and the prince married some princess from another country. 


so thats it.


whatever happened to the girl?

ok i lied. it aint from telly. its real life drama.

I Miss You

Love Fool: The Cardigans

i know, somehow i know, that you dont miss me too. i know this is just a stupid, unrequited love kind of feelings. i wanted to tell you, but i feel stupid, cuz you might go like,


"ah she's so annoying"
"she's pretty persistent, aint she?" 
"schue, dont u get the message?"
"maybe i should shut my phone off"


or something like that because there's this book i read in form 2.


RL Stine Fear Streets.The Boy Next Door. There's this boy named Scott, who's a mad killer. And he killed Lynette, who went head over heels for him. Well I have to admit Lynette was rather overboard.


funny how i can remember the character still.


I know, its just a book. And yes, I know, we all love being loved. But who the hell knows right, that this someone I'm missing could very well sick of me.


still. i miss you a lot. i miss the time when we talk, we laughed. and the time we sang. it was just, fun, you know. you made me smile. all day long. 

i couldnt sleep from missing you. i lie awake knowing that i am never in your mind. i toss and turn, and keep my phone by my side always, with the false hope that maybe you might call. i yearn to hear your voice. there's so much to tell. so much to laugh at, so much to giggle about.


no, no

just a simple text. a simple text asking how am i will do. a simple text saying you miss me too will be more than enough. a simple text to show that like you, i do linger in your mind too. or at least, shows that you do remember me. will ya?

there's no one in the world, who could replace you

theres this dude. we like the same music. well not all. he doesnt like heavy stuffs, the headbangin that i like. but he likes Muse too. he calls me the way you do. even more mushy-mushy actually.


but no. he couldnt replace you. i tried to like him as much as i like you, but i cant. i tried. i seriously tried. 



but missing you and wanting you like crazy in nights like this makes me ask myself this:


what do i want from you?


you lovin me back? you likin me? us being together?


nahhhh..none of the above. i mean. we dont belong together. not a pair made in heaven. u’re too cute. i’m too cute. and cute people cant marry each other cuz they would make deform babies.


i want nothin from you. i dont even see us as a couple. i dont even see you saying “I LOVE U” to me. i dont even see you likin me, havin a crush on me.


all i ever wanted is, that you would pay attention to me, make me smile and laugh, listen to me, make me happy. be there when i need you. listen to my laughter, listen to my cry. wipe away my tears. tell me i’m beautiful when i’m not. tell me t i’m a great cook when its too salty.  i  want you to know i exist. i want you to feel my presence, feel my charm. i want you to miss me when i’m gone


urrgh, it takes a great deal of love to do that, no?


i miss you a lot.

Facebook

this is so random


I've had Facebook since I was in Form 5, yeah, about a couple of months before SPM. Out of boredom. Never thought it lasts longer than Myspace. Yes, I have a Myspace account. I still do. But I will never log in to it, because, as normal, I forget the password.


Friendster? oh no, not Friendster. I remember in a flight back home from Taiwan, Joash asked me if I had a Friendster account and told me to get one when I said no. Well, I tried, and its so messed up, I couldnt figure it out. 


So, back to Facebook.


The things is, Facebook is getting on my nerves. First its the notification thingy. Well at least it wasnt as bad as those days. Remember this scene?

You go on a holiday or something. 

You haven't log in for almost a week. 

You signed in. 

and the small red number up there pointed out

99 New Notification!

"Hmmmm, my friends really missed me," you told yourself, and later, much to your chagrin, its some stupid kids commented on a photo of you.


so-called commenting, while they were really creating their own chat room there.and its not even a picture of you. 


gone are those days i seriously don't miss.


BUT then again. The notification icon is really annoying. I mean, yes, I've checked that notification, can you please, pretty please with a cherry on top, remove the (1) or whatchamacallit red icon?


and and and


the new so-called upgraded profile layout


its gross, i must admit. i mean, come on Facebook, you're amazing, just the way you are. You dont need all these million changes to make social networking easier, whatever that means.


the biggest mistake in my life is clickin on the "Get The New Profile" link. dumb Schue.


and have you realised that in the new profile layout they'll put up pictures of yours, tagged or uploaded by you, and you cant seem to control what kind of pictures you put up there.


like mine,

i mean, look at that! the picture shrinkage. its like, ewwww, you know. when my friends view my profile thats what they will see.


so much for first impression.


i guess that's all. oh and. i love you Facebook. 


and check out this


25 Things I hate about Facebook

Thanks For The Memories

Theres this picture. I found it this morning. Of me, as a 15-year-old schoolgirl, with stupid blonde hair worn in a braid. eyes smudged with black kohl eyeliner. i wore eye make up to school, yes. I can't have it published here though.

i was a naughty one. wore eye make up. dyed my hair. wore tudung to school to conceal the dye and took it off once i was out of the school gate. seriously bad. haha never mind. as bad as i was the school called me back to give a speech okay!


lets drop it.


Its a nice picture, I must admit. Oh,no, not the subject. Well, since I cant have it published I have all say on it, no?


Its in sepia. i was half pouting/half smiling,the way i always do, wearing the school baju kurung.


a guy was sitting next to me, he was in school uniform too, sticking his tongue out.


we looked like a couple of punks, but happy.


then it all came back to me.

***********************

"hey..is this seat still available?"

of all seat in the almost empty bus he chose the one at the most back, the one near where i was sitting. he was bald, and tall. he was with his two friends, all clad in their school uniforms.


i stole a glance. Anderson. The school.

"yeah."

i said, moving my heavy school bag to give way for them. they sat, and talked a bit, before lighting some cigarettes.

at this point i must explain that i am super duper sensitive to smoke, especially in a bus like Perak Roadways, with its poor ventilation.

i coughed. it was unintentionally, i swear. its the smoke. its my lungs. i tried to be as polite as possible. i mean, its a free country. but still, i coughed.

"oh, you dont like smoke, eh?"

he asked, looking straight at me. i feel blood rushing up to my face.

"well, its just, i'm..asthmatic."

i felt like a disabled person.

"oh, sorry."

he gave the expression like he thought i was going to die or something; worried. then he threw his cigarette on the floor and stepped on it.

"dude, that one is still long"

i heard one of his friend said.

"thanks. i mean, you really dont have to do that"

"nahh...its okay. i mean, smoking is bad for health after all"

"yeah..."

i was being stupid, not knowing what to say to a guy who threw his cigarette away upon knowing i cant stand it.


then his friend pulled his ear and whispered loudly. paradox.

"you like her, dont you?"

he purposedly made it loud so i could hear. the boys were funny.

"where do you go for school?"

"poi lam"

"oh....err...hehe...what's your name?"

"just call me Schue."

"oh...i'm Man. erm, are you a Malay?"

"yeah...."

"All along I thought you were Chindian."

We never had each others contact number. except for Myspace, which was a hit then, we had no way to contact each other. I did not have a hand phone. but we pretty much knew where each other lived.


It seems that fate has it, we always bumped into each other after school, taking the same bus home. the Rapid-like bus, but not like Rapid at all physically. 


i remember once we took my liquid paper and wrote scribbled at the back of the seat.


Dating in the bus.it was like, fun. puppy love kind. but never that serious. we always had his friends with us. laughing and talking. vandalising and mesmerising.


That one photo of us was taken when he bought himself a hand phone after saving up from working at a catering service, so i remember how he told me.


He had it printed out and gave one copy to me. behind the photograph proudly written what we had scribbled in at the back of the seat

SchuMan was here

I kept it in one of my books. then I thought I lost it. I found it this morning, as I couldnt sleep, lying on my bed sobbing.


we lost touch. =(

I'm not doing shit today

knowing Nurul Syuhada Abdullah-Attarmizi, I do stupid things all the time. Especially at times like this. Back in Form 1, or was it Form 2? or Form 3? I think  all along, I cut myself a  lot. I took Ummi's blade and cut myself in the loo. I even kept one small blade in my purse, and in case things go wrong, I rushed to the nearest WC and start hurting myself. The pain makes me feel alive.


I dont do that anymore. But I have the urge.


I'm depressed. Sad. My eyes are swollen. I'm still sobbing. I cried when I was bathing. Ahh ignore the previous post. I was high on drug. Hey did you fall for that? I'm so broke I couldnt afford dope dearie. And theres no one drug in the world that could kill this pain.


I dragged myself out of bed this morning. Yesterday night was hot and I slept on the floor, on the carpet, and start coughing like crazy. and flu. and Ummi came knocking on my bed telling me not to sleep there cuz it will kill me softly. Very funny.


and today I went out with Ummi, and my brothers Adam and Aliff. I dont know why, but I couldnt spend another minutes indoor. I feel depressed. Like the walls are making me crazy. I need out. I need air, fresh air.


Went to Parade. I wanted to play bowling, but Aliff didnt, and left with his friends. Ummi and I went crazy at Riomoda and bought lots of beautiful fabric. and some new shirts. and this. and that. 


Adam, my four-year-old brother, asked me to buy him a bowling court. He went like,


"when you start working and have a lot of money, can you buy me a bowling court?"
my jaw practically dropped. what, am I marrying some filthy rich Datuk or Prince?


I treated them Kenny Rogers, and now I am really really poor. But nevermind, its comfort food they say. Makes you feel better. Maybe.


Maybe one shit that I did was that I overspent. But hey. At least I realised that I overspent. That makes me one smart consumer, no? 

Excuse Me, While I Kiss The Sky

Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix.

Generally i aint a big fan of Jimi Hendrix, but i fell in love with the name when I first heard it. Have you ever fell in love with a name? I had. a lot of times. And once, I fell in love with the person with the name that I fell for. Funny, no?

i fell in love, that's it. that explains why I am so high, yes, high. i couldnt stop giggling since yesterday. been so happy. did i swallow pill, LSD or what? Dont be silly. 

oh i love you. why cant you ever see?

this song says it all. and yeah. explains the layout.

Purple haze all in my brain 

Lately things don't seem the same 

Actin' funny but I don't know why 

Excuse me while I kiss the sky 

Purple haze all around 

Don't know if I'm comin' up or down 

Am I happy or in misery? 

Whatever it is, that boy put a spell on me 

Help me 

Help me 

Oh I don't know 

Yeah! 

Purple haze was all in my eyes 

Don't know if it's day or night 

You've got me blowin', blowin' my mind 

Is it tomorrow or just the end of time? 

Who knows? 

Help me 

Yeah 

Come on now 

Tell me 

Tell me 

I'm terribly happy/ Girlfight

i went out with Ummi for dinner just now. yeah. diet. ruined. our diet. ruined. never mind kan Ummi kan? esok morning we jog satu Meru Height. haha

so we went to this restaurant and theres this bunch of boys watching telly and then my stupid phone yelled ACAB Streets of Uptown and one of the boys started singing the song and another said, "perggh muka nampak cam baik"

budak baik tak layan ACAB?

and after that i got home and blogwalked and stalked people's FB. stalked my crush's. ahhhhh stupid in love. stupid in unrequited love.

then theres this gal. i think she likes him too. it looks obvious. i'm a girl myself. i ought to know.

 *click click*

i looked at her profile picture

haha i'm still prettier. *flips hair* 

guess thats what made me happy so much--as if looks really matter. but then he's cute, i'm cute, and cute people dont belong together cuz we make super-duper cute and deformed babies. haha pandai2 buat teori. 

but know who's prettier? Nieya Bailey. ok we had this girlfight on Facebook. She thinks I'm cuter. I think she's prettier. Ahh and she wants to pull my nose. Nak kena kan! Bagitau my mom baru tau. haha. Awak sangat cantik, sangat photogenic, sangat hot. ok dah jangan bising. jangan malu-malu kambing pulak. haha. 

ohhh i love her. and i am so terribly happy today it began to feel so not me. why ehh?

nite. i wanna have sweet dreams tonight. kiss!

psst: and to all, NO. I aint going to Rock The World X. Well. it aint safe. And Ummi. Nvm. P kenduri layan band orang kawen sudah laaa ye.