Some things don't change.

Lately I found myself different. I don't know, some are told by my friends, some, I just know them. Like Mairah told me how I am getting thinner and all and Lily said I'm getting neater--which is untrue because I am always as neat, I mean, I believe that everything has its own place and all and it's own place where it's supposed to be. 


I have changed in a way where I love sports more, too. Take tennis, for example. Naturally I suck at it, but I bought a new racket for the hell of my money to practise with. I do want to go down to the court sometimes to train. And I love running too now. I miss the feel of green grass on my bare feet,  I don't really get to do that because the boys are playing football there. They have this league for the college--and when there's no match usually the field is full with people training. That's one of the thing I like about my college, the sports. I suck at sports, but I enjoy watching them.


Well, there are also certain other changes as well, some are what I am trying to change. Like changing for the better. Trying, still trying, Been a bad, bad person. Been a wild, wild girl. 


Some things, however, don't change.


Like the fact that I am still lazy in studies. I mean, I've started to jot down lecture notes and all, but when I get back to my room I won't as hell open my books. I didn't glance at it even. It's pretty delusional, but one day the books might be yelling at me to get me read them.


I still love you, I do.


It's inevitable, irrevocable, no matter what I do. I used to not able to pray to God even to make me forget you. Now things are slightly better, but I still...my heart still ache when I think of you.


Like Madam Soo Hoo said, some things don't change. 

Just stop talking about the stuffs that hurt people already.

I'm reading a novel about teenage angst, rebellion and confusion. It's an awesome book and if you were my age I'd recommend that, one of the books I'd read before I die. 


They say the guy who killed John Lennon had with him that book, with a note scribbled inside, 

"This is my statement,  From Holden Caufield."

It's the book I mentioned I was reading (still am), Catcher in The Rye. 


But heck I read it because I've been wanting to read that book since I was 13, and because I love reading, and I pray to Allah if it ever make me mad or anything I don't go around shooting anyone. 


I turn to God these days. Should've done that long ago. Sometimes it's the only way, but most definitely its the best way. 


I achieve a more peaceful state of mind lately. Remember how early this semester I was all gloomy and down, zombie-like? I didn't even scribble much about it here due to major depression. I remember going home and not talking to anyone for 2 days. I didn't even talk to Ummi or Adam. It was painful. I skipped meals because I had no appetite at all---In 5 days I took rice only twice---It was worrying everyone. 

But I was hurt. Really hurt. Painfully hurt. 

If it were physical pain, the doctors would've tell my family and friends to start preparing for the worst. 


It hurt so much I didn't know how to express it, I couldn't even cry about it. I had that once, when a friend back stabbed me, I was so shocked I couldn't even have a go at her. I just didn't do anything. It wasn't that I was unaffected. I am a very sensitive person, thou I don't look like it, but I am sensitive, very.

To have someone making fun of you, making fun of your feelings, making you as some sort of teasing or laughing stock, it is seriously not fun at all. It's seriously painful.

You'd think it was only a joke, but then think again of the feelings of the subject of the joke should he or she hears it.  Put yourself in their shoes, do you get humiliated? I do. A lot.


I was on my home, happily, to see my family when I found out about what people been saying about me behind me. Trust me, that time it felt like someone has just hit you hard in the chest.


So please stop talking about it already. It affects me, it hurts me, even just writing it here.

Not going home

Most of my peeps are leaving for home today. Hyda is on her way to Kelantan already, and so is Nadia, Kak Maizatun, Anisah and the rest. My roommate Nisrin is definitely ain't going to be around. Well some aren't really going home, like Auni who is going to Kuala Lumpur to see her boyfriend. It's his birthday tomorrow. I don't know if her parents know about that plan of hers, but I couldn't care less. It's her plan anyways.


But the point is most of my friends are leaving the god-forsaken college. Well, at least Farah and Agnes aren't. I'd understand why, it's too costly for them to go home, as much as they want to. 


It ain't really costly for me though. A ticket back home to Ipoh would cost only 17 bucks. I'd get someone to send me to the terminal for 5, or maybe I'd take the city bus for 1.40. See, it's really cheap and I am not that broke yet, so I can afford to go home. It's just that I don't feel like to. Screw me. 


I went home last week already, to see my family and had a little ghetto with Wai Meng and Kevin. Mom asked me to come home, in fact. We did spent a lil of what you might call quality, mother daughter bonding time together. I was a tad bit sad to leave home, but then again...


I dont feel like going home this week. I like it this way, with less people in the campus, faster internet, a quieter environment and a room all by myself. I'd spent the whole of today resting, Saturday with outings---ENJOY! and Sunday working my life out on ISL and files.


I'm gonna start with reading Catcher In The Rye and maybe do a bit of laundry while pluggin in and yelling to something loud later.

Sounds like a good plan.

Have you ever Googled yourself?

I did this morning, i typed in "syu" and this is what I found. 

"Syu (シュウ Shū^?) is a Japanese musician, best known as leader and guitarist of metal band Galneryus. But also performs guitar and lead vocals in Spinalcord (formerly known as Aushvitz), and was formerly a member of Animetal. On September 29, 2010 he released a cover album named Crying Stars -Stand Proud!-, covering songs from Scorpions, Stratovarius, Yngwie Malmsteen, Skid Row, M.S.G., Racer X and more. It features some of his fellow band mates from Galneryus and Spinalcord, as well as other well known musicians like Eizo Sakamoto (Anthem), whom Syu was in Animetal with."

wikipedia.

Syu is indeed a rock star's name, eh?

Wordless Wednesday #Ze Racket!