The Call.

My Ummi once said that I am a person with no stand. That I must admit. I am undecided, uncertain. I can't make a strong decision. No, I can make a decision. Only, I will change it the next minute. Sometimes I make decisions and regretting them, and changing them back again. For most of the time I don't know what I want. 

I had up to 7 break-ups with one guy in our year-long relationship, because I was the indecisive little bitch. I told him that we should end things between us due to some really pathetic psycho reasons  until I began missing him and calling him again and begging to patch things up. 

I also got into a relationship with one very nice chap, simply because I thought that was what I really wanted, one who I dumped 5 days later because I was bored. Because I realised that "he wasn't what I was looking for".

My indecisive, vacillating, uncertain, volatile self has taken a toll on my love life, one of the reason why I am at 21, still boyfriend-less. p.s. call me only if you're cute, single and looking.

Never mind all that. This morning, in the dull old Ethnic Relations lecture, where I was listening to Alex Turner's heavy British accent in Arctic Monkey's No Buses(please check that song out!), I made a decision I know for certain that come what may, I must never change.

It is going to hurt for a while. I am going to need time to adjust to the situation, to forget the routine and to adapt to the new life. No, to go back to the old, boring life I had before I met him. 

The time spent together was fun, what I had with that certain someone. There was a lot of adrenaline, laughters and whatnot. Now I'm discarding all the naughty nights for niceness, with the memories of a really good time. Yes he gave me a good time, I would say that, but everything must come to an end now. It no longer worth doing this, hurting another person. Another woman. I couldn't even sleep at night, or to look at myself in the mirror every morning without utter disgust. To quote Angelina Jolie, way before Brangelina that is, 


“To be intimate with a married man, when my own father cheated on my mother, is not something I could forgive.......I could not, could not look at myself in the morning if I did that".

A tad bit too dramatic there.

Guilt got the best of me, I cannot be the other woman again. I was once but it was harmless, but not this time. Not another innocent soul. Not another heart. Not another love story. 


But that's only half the reason why I make the call. Another is because in the end, in this little game we play, I am the one at the losing end. Things will heal between the couple,I believe, and I'll be alone. Even if they couldn't patch things up, I still have to leave and be alone. Would you build a relationship on someone else's shattered  one?


I don't want to perpetuate this maelstrom.  Better to hurt now then later. And oh, don't worry about hurting. I am resilient enough =)

I don't know if my decision will stay, or I'll go back to my old indecisive self again. Let's hope not, okay? No, it must not. 

I promise. 

My room at its most natural state.

This is just one of those nights when I am feeling super-bored and effed up as well, leading me to do something stupid to not perpetuate the mess in my head. 


I feel like updating my blog too, and there is no better topic to write about than...tadaaaaa

my crib aka my room..

in its less than abominable state. 

What, do you think I was going to write about Hafiz winning Anugerah Juara Lagu? like no way.


Well, by natural state here I do mean natural, everyday look, not one of those super neat days when suddenly the spring cleaning mode get into me. Not the time when the college has "Open Day" and you have people, boys and girls, boyfriends and girlfriends, crushes, scandals and whatnot visiting your room. 


It neither is one of the days when it is close to a pig sty. Yes people things can get worse here.


It is in fact, tonight.


So. this is where the magic happens :)

The very humble looking door with the shoe rack, pairs of shoes, all mine. My roommate keeps hers indoor.

stop peeping, lets get a closer look and see whats there. damm i feel like im a celebrity on MTV or something.

Thats my collection of shawls..i dont know why i prefer shawls to the normal scarfs; tudung bawal we call them. oh yes i do know why. its because you dont have to iron shawls. Man i hate ironing. Its a waste of electricity, and the carbon footprint and all. I hate carbon footprint. And wasting electricity. I also hate wars. And I seriously think I look like a makcik in tudung bawal :( although a lot of people keep telling me otherwise. hmm

my puteri islam uniform which i will wear every wednesday (maybe.) yes people i am a proud member of puteri islam, despite all the naughtiness. and no people puteri islam is not a religious organisation like usrah or something. its just an organisation of princess-wannabes. hahaha. nahh. 


next to it is my balik kampung bag. It's my aunt's, she lent it to me, and I love it because it reminds me of home. Because I just got back from Ipoh, the bag is still unloaded.

something for me to kill the time, my guitar. I named it Holden, after the character in one of my favourite book "Catcher In the Rye." Its an awesome book and if you havent read em you can get it from me, that is if you're living in Penang and go to the same institute as I do.
Holden is a rebellious character, kinda like my guitar, which tend to go out of tune. Is it me and my skills or just the guitar? 


About Holden, my latest boyfriend, well, I bought it last week for a hundred buck. Apart from time killing, I kinda want to acquire new skills. And make lots of noise and disturb my roommate before making songs, posting them in Youtube and become an AJL finalist. blahh.

on my bed is my old lappy, contrary to popular belief,no, I don't have a name for it, unlike the guitar. I like going online or working on stuffs from my bed. Its cozy. And the study table feels a tad bit too nerdy. Like you're so committed. haha


see the dictionary? i was talking to someone with really great awesome vocabulary.

That's Nnnenna (the teddy), and the bantal busuk I can't live without. I dont bring it home though, cuz at home with family and all you dont need a smelly pillow to sleep with. Here, 170 km away from home I do. I really do. The thing about the pillow is its like a transporter. I hug it and smell it and I'm transported back to Ipoh. 

I didnt name this guy here. I dont know why. Its a birthday present from my dearest juniors Zulhanafi and Luqman Adie Abdullah last year.They are such a darling. They just got their thousand-something allowance then I guess, so they bought their darling senior a present. How sweet. So girls, go grab em quick!!!

That's chemicals.haha. The beauty products I use everyday and still far from beautiful. 

The books I have long left untouched. Some are academic, non fictions, like Buzan's Mind Map. Some are fictional, like the Memoirs of a Geisha. Gotta go read that book if you haven't too.


Oh that's my purse there. Found it. Was looking for it everywhere just now. hahaha.

That's a printer, 3 in 1 function or something. Its cheap and the inks can last you a long time. The whole year, maybe. If you're buying a printer I suggest you to go for this one, canon 258. You can get them for a couple of hundreds at Perangin.

A picture of William and Kate? thats actually my collection of Readers Digest, ones I had since July 2009. Miss Chong made me subscribe them, but I dont know if I will continue the subscription now that she's retired and not dealing with it no more. Miss you Miss Chong :)


right next to it, in the purple frame is a picture of me on my akad nikah night. i was pretty, wasnt i? 

 thats the pile of unwashed clothes. I seriously detest doing laundry. Will do it tomorrow, so lets just hope the weather to be nice to me. All hot and sunny is all I'm asking. 


Theres one thing that u need to know about me: I hate laundry but I change my clothes all the time. It drives Umi mad.

one word: messy.

something from my student, Syafikah. It was from her brother, according to her. He was hitting on me, he liked teachers and wanted one for a wife. We texted for a while but things just didnt turn out. It wasnt you, its me. Cewahh.

orang kaya. elaun just got in. nuff said.


Alright. now im no longer bored, or effed up. I am in fact, tired and sleepy. *moving everything to my study table and zzzzzzzz

I just feel like writing

this is how assembly look like at my school. poilam.

So today I skipped assembly again. Last December a letter greeted my parents, leading to an 18 bucks fine (2 McDs according to someone) for missing the assemblies and some classes. If I were to commit the same crime again, I'd be in court. In a trial. The college kind, which I seriously have no idea what it means. 

Anyways, Ummi made me go to some wedding last year. I refused to. 

"I think I wanna be an anti-social, Mom."

I said, not wanting to get up, get dressed, apply cake-like make ups on my face and go to a wedding I have no idea who the brides and grooms are. I mean, I'd be happy to go if it were, say, one of my classmates?

"I don't care if you're turning anti-social, committing social suicides whatsoever. Just make sure you go to assemblies." 

she said, and I was "checkmated". I also made a promise to her I would go to assemblies so long as she stop dragging me to boring preppy old wedding. 

I didn't purposely skip the assembly today though. I had this stomach ache even the doctor couldn't explain. He gave me medicine for my symptoms, asked me when was my last period, if I had nausea and all the shits. Maybe he thought I was pregnant. I don't know. He even asked if I took poison or ate grass. Like seriously?

One thing that I missed during the assembly this morning, apart from a good look at my handsome lecturer Mr Tony Stark, and some of the students who are in the Director's List,you know, like the Dean List at universities, is an explanation why the pointers from my cohort is so low. Even the most hardworking ones get too average pointers. Seriously.

But me, naturally, knowing me, I don't give a damn about it that much. At the end of the day it's what I learnt, not what I get on paper.

Though it's pretty damn low. Heck, what was I expecting? #vain


*photo courtesy of Facebook SMJK Poi Lam Ipoh * 培南国民型中学

To someone.

Hey.

I seriously didn't want to do this. Not to say this here. Not via the Internet, letting my not-so-random thoughts read by everyone. If there were readers anyway. 

For some reason, it was always easier to just talk to you. It was easier to just tell you to your face as we sat alone in your car, driving around endlessly in the middle of the night. It was easier then, a hell lot easier, to just tell you what I think, what I want, to just retaliate and argue with things you say, to comfort you with your effed up problems, to tell you mine even in the quiet bookstore or in a fast food restaurant while watching American football. 

It was easiest to just laugh with you, holding your long slender fingers.

For you have turned my life around, my boring, dull, forever alone life.  I have laughed the most when I am around you. To me, you are not just any other person, not just any other guy. You filled me with excitement,  pleasure, laughter, adrenaline rush, things I have been missing.We kept each other company. You kept me company, something which I desperately need. Everyone wants to be happy and happiness come in all forms. To me, it was simply a nice human company, which you fulfilled. To you, I was your quantum of solace, a little peace, serenity, and comfort, something I am truly proud of.

We satisfied each other with what we needed, but soon it began to look like we were there just because we needed each other. It seemed like we were just filling into each others' blanks.

The depressing part is when I found out that as we spent more time with each other, I realised you no longer are what I need. That's not what keeping you by my side. I don't need you or your company to survive. I can live without all that. 

I just don't want to.

I don't want to lose you. I know this is not part of the deal. I know this is not what we agreed to. Things will come to an end one day. Soon enough all this will be over and I'll live feeling like I just wake up from one beautiful dream. 

I've lost once, I think I could lose again. I just don't want it to end this way. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry for all the things I said to you.

Every song ends. Is that a reason not to enjoy the music?