The Last Night in Penang.

Last night, I couldn't even get an answer
I tried to call but my pride wouldn' t let me dial


Honestly, this song has nothing to do whatsoever with this post. just. i thought of it. i remember when it was released. in 2007, i was in Form 4. along with the song Beautiful Girl--Sean Kingston.

Its funny how i can remember some stuffs, and forget important ones, like to return the overdue books to the library. but then again. is that even important? haha


tonight's the last night in PENANG. This year. Maybe forever.

• Maybe i'm not comin back for degree
• Maybe i fail gracefully in English Studies (Literature) and get kick out
• Maybe i'll do my degree in yippie, MIRI! oh i love that place.
• Maybe i'll escape to the UK or something, and send u some souvenirs, and come back after 4 years
• Maybe i'll marry Prince William there and His Majesty decides that i should quick teacher trainin and willin to pay the RM130,000 fine cuz it aint much for him

or

• maybe i should cut out the crap!! how about that eh?

well. its been one year and a half. chrissie asked me how is life away from home. i dont know. difficult? well. to say homesick, sometimes, but i do go back often enough. i'm manja. yes. langguk kata melayu sarawak. yeah baby, i'm diggin sarawakian. no, not that i have a sarawakian gerek (bf/gf), thou i wouldnt mind havin one, not that i'm even lookin for one,  just, i love sarawak. a lot. i feel that its really me. like it has some connection with me. i dont know what.  

•  maybe i'm a descendant of Rentap: AGI IDUP AGI NGELABAN!
•  maybe i'm an heir to White Rajah Sarawak!

shut up silly,
Rentap's IBAN, u're MINANGKABAU,
Rajah Sarawak's WHITE, u're black!


well, maybe i just love culture, thats it. i love culture, and people, different culture and different people. i wanted to be an anthropologist. wiki it peeps. its cool.


so, comin back to my last night, in Rambai, if not Penang. Rambai is the name of my block btw, the name it with fruits here.


i've got nothing to blog about it. ha-ha.


please dont get mad.

me in front of Rambai

ok i lied. thats Padini. eh. Pa-sth I just cant recall what.


PALA!


the block where i'm gonna live next semester, IF AND ONLY IF, any of the maybes above do not happen teehee


ah, for the next  6 weeks, i'm gonna miss Penang, I'm gonna miss INSTITUT PERGURUAN PERSEKUTUAN PULAU PINANG, INDAH LAGI CEMERLANG,(yes pakcik, the one in Berita HAIRAN for late allowance) i'm gonna miss Komtar, the ferry, the bridge, the sea, the beach, the jeruk, the nasi kandar, anything penang-y you know.

• i'm gonna miss my lecturers, mdm rock especially
• tesl cohort 3, esp agnes, farah, nisrin, sarah, ieqa and all...37 of us.
• and the mami at mami cafe,
• and mamu at our block,
• and my warden mr yusof and his ayam serama,
• and the akak celcom at tesco which added me in facebook yesterday,
• i'm gonna miss tesco too,
•  and the rapid bus drivers,
• and all the sales at Queensbay! oh baby.
  
  what else?

i'm gonna miss you too. of course.


listen. i'm not TESOL cohort 2, which is leavin for Macquarie. I'm neither in sem 7 or 8 PISMP, they're graduatin already.


so. why the emo post baby?


saje. haha.


i love u all yawwww. muah *kiss left cheek kiss right cheek wipe off saliva*

Dear Crush, i'm stolen in your heart-shaped box

Dear Crush,

STOLEN IN YOUR HEART SHAPED BOX

i'm smiling. again!

oh dear oh dear oh dear.

the wheather's horribly cold. but i feel HAWT! haha naughty me.

oh. i cant sleep. but when i ever do, i'll sleep smiling.

and thinking. of you.

you!

i barely know you.

and now i'm having a crush on you teehee. stupid me.

i feel like a schoolgal again.

man its great to be single. you get to have crushes without having to feel like you've committed a sin.

and oh yeah. about my previous (ex) crush.

he has a girlfriend already.

and she's friggin beautiful.

and to me it was a sin to love him that way

so.

i turned to

you

ladies and gentlemen

introducing....

my new crush....





HE'S REALLY CUTE. I PROMISE U. teehee





my crush is:

effing cute!

nice
OF COURSE u're a lot better than the previous ones!

thats all. i dont really know you but i like you. i call that love at first sight teehee

heee..and...

i hope u're free. single. so that i can have crushes to you all year long..

and enjoy the day my heart beats at the thought of bumping you.

and when chatting with you in facebook.

and reading ur writings.

and falling in love with your pics.

and lauging and giggling and smiling and grinning all because of you.

guiltless

well. i dont want you to adore me. nor ignore me.

i dont even want you to know.

i just wanna live my life happily, loving you silently

maybe u dont even have to know about it.

maybe u dont even have to know i exist.

whatever.

maybe you'll read this post and think that he is YOU and say,

"awww schu. you friggin sweetie teehee"

psst: i know this post is ridiculous. well i'm happy. friggin happy. and bored. and yeah.

i dont do people's bf, its so UNSISTERSLY teehee. love love love

psst: this is supposed to be a letter, so which side do i put my signature?

AHH. just drop it la.

PSST: STOLEN--BUTTERFINGERS and HEART-SHAPED BOX--NIRVANA

please please please peeps dont tell anyone. and Agnes. is sooooo jealous teehee

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

so i guess the answer is NO. Pfft.


Abang Aslam TEYL called this "withdrawal syndrome"
the kind of symptom you have when you stop taking a drug.


for me. you were the drug.
and now you're gone.
gone with the wind.


only, the effects are too late.
the effects are reoccuring.
the effects are haunting me again, lingering in my mind,
unwilling to kiss it goodbye.


the effects of you (the drug) and your withdrawal from me. my life.


i need "the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"


damn. its the wheather. and the damn blogwalking.
they brought me back to you.
i need to forget you.
its been a while already, isnt it?
how time flies, it feels like yesterday when i heard you say,
"the feeling is no longer there"


so today.
i've cleared it all.


your Raya card.
the key-chain wiv my name on ?(custom made!)
the teddy bear
the yellow tshirt
the pink shoes (oh, not this one. i still wear them to class)
all your pictures in my PC
the book i listed down our baby names
the so-so poetry i wrote for you
even your phone number ( but i cant seem to forget it tho)
i deleted you from my 8pax
i practically deleted, erased, threw away
everything
and yea
your facebook account. i'm sorry. i have to remove you.


i've get rid of all that
get
rid
all


and this blog. initially. it was written for you.
but its whats left of me, and i wont let it go.


whatever.pfft!


Because I'm not your princess, it's ain't a fairy tale, I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well.


i cant delete you from my memory. i wish, like Abg Awalludinn TEYL said, for a goddamn machine technology like the one in kate winslet's "the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"

but then again
you're my first love memory. its precious. and will always be.

how can i ever let it just go down the drain?

and people, they'll always remember me, as a part of you. they still do.

now i dunno what i want.



someone once asked me if i want you ever come back, will i want you too.
no. the answer is no and it aint a guess.


moral: dont blogwalk. u'll start reminiscing. haha. and yeah..APPRECIATE your loved ones.


love those who love thee.

I know we're cool

" After all that we've been through. I know we're cool" Gwen Stefani





    

my sony teehee teehee







whenever my phone rings/vibrates



the kind of daft message i got each day



damn. thats the only kind of texts i got these days.

i remember those days, the days when i got pretty excited at having my phone to vibrate, sometimes yelling out  ACAB's Streets of Uptown--

happy!

we used to text a lot.

i remember at one point my inbox was full, too full for incoming messages that i have to delete some.

Inbox

600items

500 something were from you.

i wonder what did we talk about.

well. everything.

we used to talk about everything.

we talked about music. rock music. you love rock. i couldnt live without. in common.

football. i was sound asleep. you texted me the score. Man Utd won 3-0. well.

we talked about whats for lunch, dinner, break-fast, and sahur.

and you texted me at 12pm saying, "morning"

we used to be so close.

i even told you of the guy i like! men!

we bade each other goodnight even.

and during friggin boring sociology class. or a dreadful assembly. or when i was making a mutated pudding.

sometimes we called. and talked. and giggled (me) and sang (you).

oh. life was fun. i had someone to talk to. you had an annoying but cute girl (read: ME) to listen to. teehee. .

then something happened. we changed. remember when we were schooling, the freezing point wtf graph?

chem was my best subject. now i'm completely clueless

 just because Penang is gettin colder, we dont have to u know.

and know what? i know u read this.

you were sucha good friend. nope you werent. you are sucha good friend. lets keep it that way always yea? tho we hardly talk now, i'd say that i'll miss you always. that i think of you, maybe not all the time teehee, but then i'll never ever ever forget you.

after eddy, you are the best guy friend i ever have.

pardon my drawing skills, but you're way cuter than this!

i'm so sorry if i have hurt you in any ways. really2 sorry teehee



subway for u, my treat, okay?



can we please please please stay friends forever?

of Grammar (LDs) and Raya Card

assalamualaikum peeps.

Ayda needed help for noun clause. So we made a date. Studying together. I took my Oxford Learners Grammar exercise book from the shelf. I didn’t remember it even existed. And I paid 54 bucks for it. Damn.



So I blew away the dust. And coughed a little *huk huk*


I flipped through the book and start looking.


Noun clause, Noun clause, Noun clause.


Where the hell are you. Aha! Here you are. Noun clause. The page. C'mon.


Exercise 426-435. It’s funny how British books don’t come with the pages at the index.


So I searched for "exercise 426"


And a green envelope appeared. Out of nowhere.


It just popped up like a stupid advertisement online that sounds like,


“do you wanna see the funniest page in the Internet?”


Only this one, it sounded like this,


“do you wanna cry a river? Click here and start reminiscing”


It was A Raya card from my ex. *sigh*


I remembered how I couldn’t wait to go back home in Ipoh from my hometown in Negeri Sembilan because I couldn’t wait to get the card.


I remembered how I myself used to post him a Raya card too. And I called him every day to ask whether he had got the card.


I remembered how I used to smile and smile again and again when I saw his tiny handwriting. It was ugly. But lovely. Very.


I remembered how I would bring the card everywhere, like a talisman.

I put the card back at the end of the page. A long long sigh. As I was typing this, I stole a glance at my blue grammar book. The green envelope was peeping at me. How sad.


I don’t miss him. I miss all the goddamn memory. I don’t want him to come back. But I want the memory again. with someone else this time teeehee


The same night.


“Pulun” with nadia and laila. We studied together from 930pm till 4 am. like wow.


I told them this raya card story over a cup (read: cups) of coffee.


They took the card and read it aloud that it sounded funny and stupid, which was how I got over it.

*i'm okay now. yeah.*

Back to grammar.

more. the untold story

oh yeah. i went to Seoul Garden today. The whole bunch of 3TESL2 did. Story? Well. Lets just say we ate like crazy. I did. Full stop. Gurney Drive stinks.

***********
there's gotta be more to life. ( a daft non-poem in my other blog)

and today. i'm gonna have this little ritual to bury a dead memory.

oh shit. the medicine. wait.
5mins
4mins
3mins
2mins
1min

the damn pills. no silly. it ain't E. its for the headache. and gastric. and oh, i just realised,
there's no cure for the heart.

none. i checked.

well. there's gotta be more to life.
************
of course, life was a bliss. life was beautiful. frolicking all day. smiling and giggling all night. yeah. i smile all the time. i giggle all the time. i go mushy-mushy all the time. i still do. with or without you.

i have adored you. and hoping you fancy me too.but you didnt, and it made me want to leave. and i left. and i almost lived happily ever after.........

till you came back. with lots of hope. dreams. and made me love you again. even more.
and now i'm hooked.

i can't go. and you left me. alone. in the cold street. dying. damn!

you used to save me remember? my knight in armour. saved me from the agony, you're my oasis in the desert, the answers to all my prayers.

i'm dying. bleeding. inside. and outside. shivering in the cold. messed up.

thank you.

************

*vampire princess(me) bite*


*assfcuk-play-with-my-heart-motherfcuker dead*

i have to kill you. have fun in hell. i heard they have sauna.


OK. So. The Story's told. finally. That will do as the "talkin". Damn. I've never attended a funeral all my life. Eddy ....... and I wasn't there. So I don't know how it's like.

pfft. just dig a hole and throw u in it. easy.


Now. Let the damn memory. Rot and rust in peace.
 

i'll pay a visit!!
 
btw. i'm still alive. there's gotta be MORE to life baby! yeeehaaaaa!!

Global Pink Day+Toast For A Change--Madam Rock!!

The same morning I woke up dying, a throbbing pain in my head, I opened my closet and taraaaa..


schu payung

 i wore pink. irony.woke up like a sick dog. and now. in the pink of health teehee.


well it was actually part of this campaign called the Global Pink Hijab Day, which is to encouurage people to join efforts to help combat cancer, breast cancer especially.


so i began to spread spread spread the propaganda last night to all my girl friends: WEAR PINK! hehe and plus its one of the big day for us too as it's the


TOAST FOR A CHANGE wiv MADAM ROCK day!!


I TOLD U! everyone was clad in PINK!! *sakit mata eh tengok*

 HAHA, nothing to do with a toast or a change, instead, it was this certificate giving ceremony. you know, the one where we were supposed to write nice and constructive things about each other and make it into a certificate and give it to our friends. i made one for me bestie Laila.

 haha ot much cuz i aint creative but i wrote her a simple so-so poem i guess lol and Hazwan made one for me. hehe. how beautiful. and how sweet.


*no picture, no controversy* haha


well it was totally fun, lots of laughing

the best mom in the institute

and hugging! darn, they looked like long lost sistas!!

and eating

syera

 *yumm yumm* which later resulted in the crowd in Pinang and Rambai toilets. hehe the meehoon was awesome thou, credit to mami cafe haha and fateyn chocoholic

jazli remains low profile. pic: bob and fateyn chocoholic

and a lot of camwhoring!! snap snap

the camwhore princess! damn

me and ieqa. btw she wears pink today. woot2. she hardly does that.

siti payung wannabe. uwekk. ahaha


and of course the camwhore did not stop there.

it was the pink, payung and posing day. btw nice coop aint it teeheee

hehe that was actually the last session we had with our LDv lecturer madam Rock. we adore her. a lot. and the session was like, AWESOME! A great way to sorta "wrap up" this whole foundation course. of course theres exams to look forward to next week. yeah baby. next week.


we just realised how much we love each other. awwwwwww.we've been together for 1 and a half year--thats long,  and we're gonna for another 4 friggin blissful year..insyaAllah.


nothing can do us apart, lets just pray that we'll stay friends forever--till death do us apart.
(eeee kenapa touching2 ni?)


p/s: the same schu who camwhored like crazy is snuggling in her bed, again. of flu attack and migraine. haha.

p/s: photos courtesy of this guy

alep aka william goncanglembing. Thanks a hell dafty! ahaha

crush!teehee

today i had this dreadful Sociology presentation. I'm tryin hard not to swear here--but its really gettin me nerves. It was supposed to be these other dudes' work, but they screwed up sorta, and the lecturers unanimously decided that my group should do it. like damn.



here's my socio group btw, we call ourselves Lee and The Girls



generally i have nothing against presentation, i mean, i'm gonna be a teacher so talking is my job, but i aint a big fan either and when it comes to sociology...fcuk, i hate it!! like its dead boring and the lecturers love bombarding us (read: me) with lots and lots of question they know we can't answer.

then as i was halfway through my presentation i saw him. oh, him. haha that made me lose focus. just WHY did he hafta pass by my classroom now, now that i was fooling myself with a godd*** presentation?

he has the messy looks today--the way i like it. yesterday i saw him during assembly. he's mesmerizing to me. i simply love him. ohmigod.he's tall, and dark, and handsome. i mean he aint the Ashton Kutcher kinda cute, breakin hearts and faces, he's just macho..very macho. wow.

to me he's friggin gorgeous (my mates dont think so tho)

ok back to the presentation

so i was talking bout this culture change blah blah assimilation blah blah and what not,

he walked in front of my class

i saw him thru the door (its too hot to keep it shut, damn college)

the messy hair do...awwww

and as i was talking and my lecturer was sitting right in front of me

and the whole of TESL Cohort 3 was pretending to listen to me babbling

and i cudnt help but to giggle and smile and giggle again



showin my sets of teeth

and agnes stood next to me

and i nudged her
(like agy, u gotta help me out, i cant concentrate)

and she was like, wth?

and Sarah and Anisah saw that

and they giggled

and Sarah sort out announced to the class,

"Madam, she's flirting!"

Thank God Madam didnt hear. (Or did she?)

Hee, it feels like high school all over again.

Having crushes.

Stalking them

Daydreamin bout them

Hoping they feel the same way bout u too

Stealin their phone number from a friend

And neva eva telll them about it

At the end of the day they never knew u exist

Or maybe they did, and they say,

"Awwww, you sweet, adorable lil dumbass"

i dont want you to adore me

nor want you to ignore me

 p/s: Sarah's locked in the toilet by the way, i must've hidden her sufficiently--she's still missin ainnit? haha

in loving memory. i miss you, eddy.

For the rest of my life—Maher Zain



“You’ll be surprised at how gorgeous I’ve grown up to, Eddy.” I smiled.


I swear to you, that moment, I did not cry. But I was trying dead hard to stop the tears from coming up, and as I spoke there was this lump in my throat. I tried to sound at least normal.


As a little girl Eddy loved pulling my ponytails, he used to say it made me look like an ugly puppy dumped by the roadside, the one nobody wanted. And when one day Ummi cut it short for fear of fleas, Eddy said I looked even uglier. Eddy said I looked like a boy.

*************

I went out with Ummi on Saturday night. Girls’, where I bought a gorgeous handbag—Rock chick, ok enough of that. We were about to have dinner when I bumped into Yan, an old friend.


She has changed. Well, people change. I changed, too, and Yan barely recognized me.


She joined us for dinner and Ummi left the two of us alone. We talked over a great cup of Mocha and suddenly I asked, “How’s Eddy?”

*************

Years ago there were 3 of us- Yan, Eddy and I. Eddy was the captain, Yan, his sister and I was the sidekicks. We were friends since births, and Eddy is one of my earliest memories in life.


Eddy was my first crush. My first love, I would say, though it was an unrequited one
(I guess).


Eddy used to tease me and said that I was ugly. And I remember once I would go to the playground where we always played, wearing my most expensive birthday gown—one in purple, my favourite. I even put on Ummi’s lipstick and some powder.


I remembered it all clearly because after that Eddy said,


“Ada! You looked like a girl!!”

*************

The last time I saw Eddy, we were both 8. Then Dad got transferred and we moved from KL to Ipoh. My mom and Eddy’s were neighbours, and our dads worked in the same company.


I have to admit I used to miss Eddy a lot, but sometimes I tried to forget him, as he reminded me of an embarrassing past—a young, very young girl smitten with her playmate and tried hard to impress him.


Sometimes, however, I did wonder what happened to him.


And when all of a sudden Yan held my hand, and held it tight, I was nervous. She looked into my eyes and said,


“Eddy has passed away.” a pregnant pause there.


“Last year.”


It was so cruel that Yan had to be the one who delivered the bad news. She was the only one who knew that I used to like Eddy.


It was also cruel for me to have asked what happened to Eddy, her one and only brother.


When the words slipped out of Yan’s lips I could feel my heart stopped.


It felt like someone had snatched away something that has always belonged to you for a long time.


It felt like losing a toy, a bantal busuk or whatever that has stayed with you all along.

*************

The day I was moving away, we lost our family cat, Ciko. We went all over to look for it, but it was to no avail.


Eddy was missing, too. He looked unaffected when he first knew that I was leaving, so I did not bother looking. (Everbody was busy with the cat)


Yan told me that she would write to me and make Eddy do so too.


She cried and blamed me for leaving, because now nobody would accompany her to take that crazy lady’s bus to school.


Eddy would, she said, have nobody to disturb on mengaji session at the surau.

*************

It saddened me a lot that Eddy and I never met after that, though later, according to Yan, the company that our fathers worked for, sent him to Ipoh, too. Its a little unfair that our paths never crossed, knowing Ipoh, a small town.


The last few weeks of his life, was spent, in Ipoh.


January. He was involved in an accident. He survived, was in a coma for three days, and then regained consciousness. He was initially unable to walk, but he went for physiotherapy and all and recovered. His future looked bright. He had everything ahead of him.


Then one day, months after the accident, he passed out. A couple of hours later, he was pronounced dead.


It was a blow to the family. An old injury cost him his life. (I am no neurosurgeon to explain, but it was something to do with the brain.)

*************

It has been at least 10 years since the last time I saw Eddy. I had no photographs of him, nothing.


The only thing I had of him, the most precious one, is a never-fading memory of a boy with a pair of large brown eyes and long lashes.


I cried my heart out that night, after Yan left.


I couldn’t sleep. I had dreams of him.


It was so beautiful that I managed to see him up close again.


Eddy, I miss you.

***********

The next morning, Yan came to my place and picked me up. She said that her Ummi was, as she put it, dying to meet me, so she was bringing me over.


I asked her to drive me to the place where Eddy was laid to rest.


Again, upon my request, Yan left me alone.


This is the first time I ever experienced death of a close one, a death that deeply affected me. For some reason it made me realized the brutal reality of life.






After reciting some verses I talked to Eddy, and I told him how my life goes. The ups and downs, and how all those months I waited for his letters to come. Stupid little lass.


I talked a lot about myself, ( i know it sounds crazy) and avoid talking about us cuz it made me sad to reminisce ol’ times. He didn’t reply back (that would’ve been creepy) but I have to admit I would give everything in this world to hear Eddy’s voice once again, teasing me, calling me names, and saying that I was ugly and all.


I tried not to cry.


The memories were all coming back to me.






“You’ll be surprised at how gorgeous I’ve grown up to, Eddy.” I smiled, took a fine deep breath, wiped away the tears that smudged my eye makeup, and walked away.

*************

At Yan’s, her Ummi hugged me so warm, it felt like I was hugging my own Ummi.


“You’ve grown up. Prettily.” She said, before leaving to the kitchen. When she came back, I saw that her eyes were red. She had been crying.


Yan showed me a picture of Eddy months before his sudden demise.


He was still the one with a pair large brown eyes and long lashes, and I felt that it was calling for me.


In another picture, there was the two of us, as toddlers, me and my long flowing messy hair and Eddy, curly hair standing next to each other, holding hands, looking like a miniature married couple.

*************

In loving memory, Ahmad Zuhaidi Ahmad Zubir (1991-2009)
Al-Fatihah