happy :)

Hi. I'm well, still breathing. The past couple of days have been pretty different, weird, but different. For some unknown reason I felt feel happy. Not just happy, it's more of a euphoric kind of feeling. I laughed a lot and crapped a lot in class and appeared more cheerful and annoying ever.

I sort of think I am going back to my old self again, my old satisfied, content self. Now I laugh at every little things that happen, like waking up early in the morning, or going for a run, or giving back massage to a classmate during lecture and going dinners with friends. All those (and many others) have managed to put a little smile on my face,showing my sets of teeth and a right cheek dimple.

For a good chapter of my life I have been depending on others (read: guys) to give me that smile. I relied on them to make me happy, and I was trying hard to make them happy, too, that I forgot  to make myself happy, and I didn't realised I was actually bleeding inside. Even when I found the stain, the blood, I was masochistic, stupid enough to think that all this pain, all that hurt was one day going to finally give me the happiness I want.

It won't. It didn't. They say you won't get a rainbow without a little rain, but it didn't happen to me. I got rain, storms, tsunamis and still where is my rainbow?

In the end I got so wounded and sick, emotionally, that I began to stop feeling. I became numb. And nothing hurt any more, nothing gave me the pain. And I started hurting others. 

I am so used to being alone,

I couldn't feel any lonelier. 

That's when I realised I had the rainbow, the sunshine in me. I was just too blind to see it. And now I want it again, back with me, the contentment. A lecturer made a comment on how prettier I look (she's always too generous with compliments) and I laughed my ass off, slept a lot, ate a lot you might think I had pot or some kind of dope. I am. It's called satisfaction.