when laughter gives you tear

How painful it is, when even your own laughter makes you weep. I laugh a lot. And I laugh most around the people I love. Or loved.

I laughed a lot around you.

And when you’re gone, I stopped laughing.

But when I learn to laugh again, it kills me because you loved my laughter and we laughed a lot together.

It means so little then, so much now.

The littlest things that take me there,

I know it sounds lame but it’s so true

I know it’s not right but it seems unfair,

These things are reminding me of you

Sometimes I wish we can just pretend,

Even if only for one weekend,

So come on, tell me,

Is this the end?

It’s funny how some littlest things alone can remind you of someone, and all the memories that you have with a person, a loved one just comes flashing back to you.

Like a song, for example.

A particular song can remind you or someone. There’s this song. It reminds me of a love that just died.

He introduced the song to me.

I used to set the song up as his contact ringtone in my phone. And every day and every night I would wait for my phone to yell out that song, because it would mean that I get to hear his voice again, talk to him, and we both will laugh out loud. Ok, just me, I’m the one with the wicked giggle. He would sing. Well he wasn’t exactly Kurt Cobain but he sounded good enough. He would make some really funny things up and make me laugh, he always did. Not anymore though.

Now, I don’t even have his number in my phone book.

The song is still on top of my playlist. It can symbolise something, like maybe I still can’t the hell out of me get over him. Oh, have a go at me somebody, for loving him like crazy.

“You still love him, do you?” is the fcuking rhetorical question.

There’s no one in the world

Who could replace you

Dreams Dreams

Of when we first started things

Dreams of me and you

It seems

It seems

That I can’t shake these memories

I wonder if you have the same dreams too

Or maybe it can mean that the song is a really awesome song and I’m a real huge fan of the band/singer or something. Maybe it has not got anything to do with the guy at all for all you know.

Like a pair of shoes you know. Why shoes? Just an example, it can be anything else, from a dress to a necklace to a pair of Swatch watch no.

My ex gave me a pair of really beautiful flirty pink ballerina flats when we were dating. I love the flats to death. I still do. Of course he gave me all sorts of other stuffs, and now I keep them all in a little black box underneath my bed. Not that I can’t get rid of them, it’s just that, I want to collect everything that was given by a lover and show to my grandchildren how HOT their granny once was. Okay I’m being ridiculous.

I didn’t put away the pink flats, though.

Not because I still love him, but it’s a pair of darn rare and beautiful shoes. When we first broke up, I guess a day after that, Agnes and I went out to Queensbay, eyes swollen and what have you. I wore that pair of shoes and Allnie, a neighbour pointed out.

“You’re still wearing the shoes he gave.” She said.

I didn’t realise it, and I didn’t even in the least mind care. Because in a battle between my love towards shoes and boys, shoes 1, boys nil.

Anyway, the point is, when you love somebody even the littlest things means memories.

Missing somebody is not about how long it has been since you last talked or met, but it’s when you do something and wishing that that someone is right there with you.

Like the time when you’re lining up at a Subway counter and suddenly he popped up because he loves Chicken Teriyaki. That kind of thing.

Of course, you’ve had bad memories, too. Like how he lied to you. How he said he was going to bed and a friend told you he saw him in town, frolicking with some other girl. Or maybe you saw him commenting on some gal’s status in Facebook when he was supposed to be sleeping. Or when he was rude to your mother and the list goes on. Well, those bad memories aren’t what you call littlest things; it’s huge, enormous, humongous.

But when you fall out of love, things fall apart, it’s not the bad memories that make you cry, make you weep as you bathe. In fact, it’s the good time, the littlest things, and the beautiful memories that practically kill you softly.

You start missing the blissful moments, yearning for those, and not the time when he took your trust and threw it away.

And whatever you do you can never forget those memories, like they just stuck on you like a tattoo that can never be get rid of, or a scar, which could probably symbolise something.

Only time will heal it, believe me. When you love somebody and start missing them like crazy.

Me? The memories are still haunting me, living with me like a ghost. Whispering to me his name each time something that has even the slightest thing to do with him pop up.

And I chose to live with the memories, since I can’t stop loving them. Yet.

I may have stopped loving you, but I will always love our memories, it will always be there in my heart, and no one can take it away from me.

I wish you didn’t ruin it all, darling.

to all these beautiful people.

ChristinaMinZhiNieya AslamAgnesZul EmiSyazlianaKak Liyana SaidiSyarinaRina ZArepUcopAuni

 and most importantly, you. Yes you, the best blog readers ever.