happy :)

Hi. I'm well, still breathing. The past couple of days have been pretty different, weird, but different. For some unknown reason I felt feel happy. Not just happy, it's more of a euphoric kind of feeling. I laughed a lot and crapped a lot in class and appeared more cheerful and annoying ever.

I sort of think I am going back to my old self again, my old satisfied, content self. Now I laugh at every little things that happen, like waking up early in the morning, or going for a run, or giving back massage to a classmate during lecture and going dinners with friends. All those (and many others) have managed to put a little smile on my face,showing my sets of teeth and a right cheek dimple.

For a good chapter of my life I have been depending on others (read: guys) to give me that smile. I relied on them to make me happy, and I was trying hard to make them happy, too, that I forgot  to make myself happy, and I didn't realised I was actually bleeding inside. Even when I found the stain, the blood, I was masochistic, stupid enough to think that all this pain, all that hurt was one day going to finally give me the happiness I want.

It won't. It didn't. They say you won't get a rainbow without a little rain, but it didn't happen to me. I got rain, storms, tsunamis and still where is my rainbow?

In the end I got so wounded and sick, emotionally, that I began to stop feeling. I became numb. And nothing hurt any more, nothing gave me the pain. And I started hurting others. 

I am so used to being alone,

I couldn't feel any lonelier. 

That's when I realised I had the rainbow, the sunshine in me. I was just too blind to see it. And now I want it again, back with me, the contentment. A lecturer made a comment on how prettier I look (she's always too generous with compliments) and I laughed my ass off, slept a lot, ate a lot you might think I had pot or some kind of dope. I am. It's called satisfaction.

 “If you think you are too small 

to make a difference, 

try sleeping with a mosquito in the 

room.” 

memories of a good friend.

4 days back into my old, boring life.

I am pretty much moving on, trying not to think so much of what happened. I laughed out a storm, had dinners, hang out with friends, played guitar,wore kebaya to class, jogged around Gelugor, smiled when I got average pointers, registered as a candidate in the upcoming campus election, slept in class, texted some random guy in class to refrain from sleeping, chatted with a tagteam/bff/brother about relationshits-- his and mine, drove around Penang in a friend's brand new sexy car, bought a Manchester United jersey at chowrasta for 10 bucks which was too figure-hugging and wore it to jog despite all the stares,

pretending

that I am not at all affected over what has happened. 

Truth is, I am. In most of the things I did, I just wish that that very person would be near. That he would be at least watching. That I would at least get to see his face, and see the stone-cold numb look on his face, the expression when he sees me now. He used to smile. A nice friendly smile.We used to be friends. He'd even say hello. I'd be nervous, the way a girl in a stupid American high school flick feel when seeing her crush across the hallway or something, but I'd say hello too because we were friends.

And now every time my phone rings I found myself praying hard that it was a text from him. And every time I jog I hope on mere coincidence I would bump into him, and in the cafeteria, choosing nasi lemak over sandwiches I would remember the breakfast we had and how he told me he doesn't eat spicy food or have his rice wet, and so I decided I'd go with the sandwich simply because memories about him makes me feel like I am close to him.

Like we were friends again, because I sincerely thought that not so long then, we were. I thought I heard him say I was his bff. 

Maybe I'm wrong. 

I'll just live with the memories. Memories of the things that we did, memories of the place we went, memories of a good friend.